The Saas–Bahu Dramas in Our Living Rooms

HANSRAJ AND KASTHURBHA JAIN

“The problem we face today with marriages is that our 21st-century women are marrying 18th-century men!” Dr Justice Malimath (Retd)

If we just look at the magazines, books and the daily newspapers, these tell us very explicitly that Indian families and marriages, particularly of the middle class, are increasingly under stress and pressure. In fact, if we are honest, we will admit that these key institutions of our society are in some serious trouble. There is a rise in separations, divorces, suicides, murders, abuse and bride price. Added to these are issues such as female foeticides, abortion, premarital sex, extramarital sex, live-in relationships and dowry

A closer analysis of the situation seems to present to us that the greatest victims of all of this are the new families. And the reasons are that most of these families live in situations where very little, if any, support system exists.

As a result most of these young people turn to their peers, colleagues and friends for help. These advisers in turn dispense answers that are often founded on a little more than a personal sense of adventure and “exploration”. They operate from a discovery mode founded on a lot of presumptions and assumptions, emotional rationalizations, beliefs derived from their hearsay. These then are used to offer “workable” answers to the hurting individual or couple.

As for the elders among these advisers, well, they have advice borrowed from exposure to traditional norms. From them one would hear statements such as “in my time…” or  “when I was of your age…” 

We must, of course, recognize that all intentions are noble though not all advice is. Such unprofessional advice may even border on the ridiculous or, worse still, be downright dangerous

Over the years as we have interacted with families and couples and observed how our Indian culture is practiced, we have become increasingly aware that today’s mothers behave in almost exactly the same way that their own mothers and/or mothers-in-law once did. They are directive and dictatorial. They have put on the same big bossy shoes!

We have also interacted with a lot of young married men. When we asked them, they told us openly that their mothers demand to be heard, even to be obeyed, especially by the new and young urbane daughter-in-law. The notion behind such behaviour is to take control from the beginning and then, if the daughter-in-law proves herself, to gradually release control as the daughter-in-law learns the ropes of responsibility, submission and leadership.  

However, we think that what the mothers-in-law seem to have failed to register in their experienced minds are that today’s 21st-century young ladies are not just educated, smart, and resourceful, but also daring. They are ready to defy!

Today, thanks to the contribution of the media (especially saas–bahu serials), the knowledge of broken homes, these new brides as they enter into the homes of their husbands, have already built a certain perspective and biased opinions about mothers-in-law. As a result they have also decided how they will handle the situation. At the first sign that their prejudices are proving to be correct (as per the script) these daughters-in-law rebel. They just hate control, being “bossed” around by a “cranky” old mother-in-law, being told what to do and not to do. If these young ladies fail to get the appropriate response from their spouses, they have decided that they would either force the husband to move out of the family home or even divorce. When they marry they do not want to surrender their independence. These young wives are convinced that living alone is the only solution to the, otherwise, a life-long problem. Their motivation is to get as far away as possible from the mother-in-law and to keep her out of their hair.

So it is in this kind of a scenario that families and its members find themselves at loggerheads contributing to the rising level of conflict within the family.

Recently we were speaking to an experienced psychologist on this issue. Giving his assessment for the growth in number of family conflicts in India, he quoted Dr Justice V. S. Malimath, a former chief justice of Karnataka and Kerala. Dr Justice Malimath had told the psychologist, “The problem we face today with our 21st-century women is that they are marrying 18th-century men!”

When I shared this wisdom with a writer friend she responded by saying, “So to survive marriage, either women will have to regress or men will have to progress and catch up with us women.”

No conflict is pleasant. Our concern is to find ways to prevent or to limit it and, if possible, eliminate it altogether. Is there a way to bring about reconciliation and healing in our marital, family and community relationships? We will examine what some of those ways are for a lasting solution to family and parental life.

                                          (Published in  Forward Press, September, 2012 Issue)
Forward Press.